Literally Domestic

I distinctly remember sitting at our old oak table during dinner in our young love and talking to Iain face-to-face about whether or not we should upgrade to a “smart” phone. We have always cherished sitting at the table during meal times. We still employ that habit on most days. I honestly can’t remember what style phone I had at that point, but it was likely the brick Nokia phone or something similar with the 9-key texting and calling capabilities. The internet was something you used on a computer, not on the phone. Texting wasn’t super convenient, so we abbreviated our messages and for longer, more in-depth conversations, we would email or call.

We sat at the table discussing the pros and the cons. The smart phone seemed like it was great for Facetiming if Iain got deployed, which he did two more times after our switch. It seemed great for checking emails. It was shiny, flashy and new. We were worried that we’d become those people who sit in bed with their phones and don’t actually talk. We were worried that we would be at the dinner table on our phones and not discuss things as we were doing at the moment.

We did decide to get the phones. It was in some ways a blessing because he deployed when Rae was only two days old. I have so many memories of the girls that I would capture for him. We would Facetime and catch up during his deployments as much as we could do. I am pretty sure when Rae met him a the airport when she was nine months old and touched his face, she was amazed that he wasn’t a screen. I do remember gradually starting to rely too much on the phone, though. We in fact did become those people with their face in the phone laying in bed or during any moment of quiet and peace. I didn’t realize how charming and addictive the dopamine hits from those devices would become. Over a decade later, I can honestly admit that our phones consumed us rather than us consuming them.

About a month ago, I had to quit my very technology intensive job due to the stress and condition of my health. My heart couldn’t take the constant communication, problem-solving, sitting long hours, and toggling between work and being a “sick” wife. So, after the realization that I didn’t need to be on constant contact, I decided to take a leap to drop my smart phone for a dumb phone. It was one of those moments that I felt compelled to run into walmart, grab a flip phone and make the switch.

My friends thought I was crazy. One of my closest asked me if I was mentally ok or if I was having a breakdown. I felt more clarity and sanity than I had in a long time. As a people pleaser, I always had this notion that if I didn’t answer people back right away when they texted, then I was letting them down. The group chats/texts would keep me in a constant state of alarm with the dings and vibrations. My smart watch would order me like a soldier to the screen to reply regardless of what important task I had on hand. It wasn’t just the texting, either. One text led to doom scrolling.

Facebook, Tiktok, Youtube, you name it…they all became doom scrolling black holes where time was wasted and my brain was being fed this instant, addictive dopamine. As the hours on the clock ticked past, the memories I could be making and things I could be doing were being sucked in to this addictive behavior. There have been studies done on the brain to show the addictive nature of dopamine and how screens and our new “smart” technology may actually be making us dumb. I’ll have to write an article about this later with references to these amazing books and articles of research. Now that I don’t doom scroll, I actually have time to read, think, write.

On top of the wasted time, there are influencers who also suck all the money out of our wallets. Amazon probably thinks I died. I was definitely pouring my money into gadgets that I really needed as Facebook would suggest. Yes, I do need that chicken shredder even though two forks or my mixer will do the trick. Yes, I do need that outfit even though I have two of the same in my jammed closet. All theses articles and hacks designed by marketers to make me think I need this brand of makeup, that thing to decorate, this meal to cook, etc etc. Consumerism of the screens quickly becomes consumerism of the products. Screens are taking over our lives.

So, how do I communicate? Fun fact, the phones still work to call people. It’s amazing how much closer I feel to my friends now that I call rather than read the quips of texts being sent daily. I would rather hear their voices and their expressions and inflections of voice as they tell me about something that happened than read the monotone, often mistaken tone of a text. I do miss pictures, but I’ve asked my friends to kindly send them in the Facebook messenger. I plan to check that a few times a week to try and break my addiction to shopping and doom scrolling. I also look forward to seeing them in person. So many times I have seen the page of a person and when I see them I feel like I don’t have much else to catch up on. Our moments together are either a repeat of what I’ve seen on their page or in a text.

What do I do with all my “free time”? That’s the thing! I didn’t really have much free time. I used the minutes (let’s be real…I used the hours) that I didn’t actually have to consume these screens. I didn’t keep my house tidy. I lamented over the piles of laundry. I cooked quick meals. All the daily things that allow us to live comfortable lives in our homes became these daunting chores that I never had time to do. As Glenda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz said, “You had the power all along, my dear”. I can keep a tidy house and actually focus and enjoy my home and family.

One of the biggest revelations was that I had also stolen time from my kids and husband. Yes, keeping in touch with friends is important, but when my daughters asked me to do something, I can count on an army of hands when I said “in just a minute” as I finished a texts or commented on a page of a person. Just a second of downtime would become an hour of doom scrolling when I could be sitting in their rooms and chatting face-to-face with them. Even worse, I had taught them that phones are more important. I’m so grateful that I had the sense when they were really little and still knew in my heart the dangers of these devices. I set strict limits for myself back then with the phones. I had the ability to observe those who had them and realized I didn’t want to be glued to a screen.

So, today I do not judge you reading this on your screen. That’s not the point. The point is that I saw a problem and found a solution. Maybe you do not spend hours a day on the phone. Maybe you can check your screen time usage in the settings and you will see that you barely use it. Good luck! If you do find that your phone is consuming you and your production of life has declined, you too can make the change.

During one of our errand runs together, Iain and I ended up at the library and found this book Unplugged: How to Break up with Your Phone and Reclaim your Life by Richard Simon. I had no idea this book existed but my heart knew before I ever met these words on the page that my phone was a problem. Talk about affirmation! I highly recommend this easy read if you too are thinking your phone is sucking the life out of you. I have more recommendations that are more geared towards kids and then articles that talk about brain science with screens. I’ll make that more academic argument later.